Donald Trump publicized it as a “major announcement,” but should have called it a fundraising grift. Here’s what’s really behind his promotional video for Trump digital trading cards.
First, he introduces himself as our favorite president, better than Lincoln or Washington. After all, he freed American bigots to openly spout ethnic, racial and religious slurs and to engage in vigilante violence.
Washington was only the father of his nation; if elected again, Trump aspires to be the Godfather. With his head sculpted on Mount Rushmore alongside lesser presidents, Trump knows his stone likeness will erode slower than his popularity.
A series of pictures of Trump in different costumes and situations flash across the screen. Trump appears in an astronaut suit. Is this a hint that he plans to build his brand of rockets called Trumpets like Bezos and Musk?
Next, he’s wearing a tuxedo because nothing says I stand up for poor whites like donning formal attire. Another image features him astride a Republican elephant like Hannibal, except that Trump thinks Hannibal was the serial killer in “Silence of the Lambs.”
The pièce de résistance depicts Trump as a superhero with laser beams shooting from his eyes. I called the phone number to order the digital cards and was assured that these weren’t Jewish laser beams. The T emblazoned on his chest stands for tacky.
Trump compares his cards to baseball cards that purchasers can trade with their friends. I can’t wait to trade one of my Trump cards for an Orban or Putin card. I wonder if the cards come with bubble gum too and a Sleepy Joe cartoon strip.
Emulating Superman, Trump will fight for Truth Social, justice as interpreted by the Federalist Society, and the America First Way.
Finally, Trump lists the prizes people willing to shell out $99 could win. Some will be treated to a dinner with him at a fast-food restaurant of his choice. The diners will be incited to toss their meals against the walls to protest the stealing of the 2020 election.
After the meal, they will be entertained at Mar-a-Lago with public readings of top-secret documents still squirreled away there. Others will get to play a round of golf with the president if they agree to give him a mulligan on every hole.
Another prize is a Zoom call with Trump if he can figure out how to unmute himself. A few lucky people will win autographed Trump paraphernalia since his signature is worth more than his political endorsements.
I’m not surprised Trump has stooped this low. I would think the only cards he should be procuring are Get Out of Jail cards.
Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. This satire first appeared on San Diego Jewish World, a member of the San Diego Online News Association.